“[Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.” ~Jeff Foxworthy

So I am here to say that when it comes to the inducement of labor through some home remedies it is really just a waste of time. Let me just break it down for you, real simple. I am also going to give you my fair warning, that this post is not censored in anyway, so consider yourself warned, (men).

O.k. first things first.

Walking. Pretty sure I could walk to visit my friend Christine in China for tea and back and still not go into labor. I realize that this is impossible, you do not have to remind me, but I am looking at the distance of it. She is the furthest person away from me presently. Our library is about a mile walk away, give or take a few steps. We had some things due last friday so I loaded up the Radio Flyer with 73 pounds worth of children and about 10 of books and movies, and embarked on my journey. Andy asked upon my departure, what are you going to do if you go into labor on the way there or back? I really had no plan. I am sure someone could come pick us up as I lie screaming in the fetal position on the trail and traumatized my young children for life. It doesn't matter, nothing happened anyway. I passed another Mom on the way, she took one look at me and asked, 'trying to go into labor?' I replied, 'exactly!' She replied, 'best of luck.' And we continued on our ways. I have come to realize that we women are a little strange. Hauling close to 100 pounds at 9 months pregnant, and the only people who are not going to be concerned is another woman who has been in the same spot. Who cares if we give birth right there amongst nature? The baby is out. Mission accomplished.

We have also walked other places, like all over Kohl's for 2 hours pushing their double stroller cart which is like pushing a small locomotive. I mean at least if my water broke, they had some towels handy, and some pants, and I am pretty sure they would have given me an awesome discount.

I have also worked. And I have pushed my med cart up and down hallways and willingly volunteered to do rounds to walk briskly up and down hallways to no avail. Although I did feel like a royal piece of crap after being on my feet for 8 hours, it wasn't the result I was intending.

Now I walk with a limp and I move slower then a 95 year old woman who uses a walker, we raced. And since I have mentioned before that in many cases songs come to my head like a little soundtrack to my life, what comes to my mind when I get up and start walking is 50 cent, 'In Da Club,' and it is tremendously annoying. At one point he says, 'I been hit with a few shells, but I don't walk with a limp.' It really has nothing to do with me limping, it just has the word limp in it and therefore it is in my head, so 'Go Shwaty, it's your birthday...' It's in your head now to. Annoying.

Squats. Somewhere I read squats help. I also read that bouncing on one of those giant exercise balls works also. I don't have one of those. There is one at church, but I think that people would think that it is a little strange that a fat pregnant lady is bouncing on a ball in the aisle to the worship band. So I decided to do some squats after walking up and down the stairs 20 times, taking them two at a time. I did about 20 squats while holding on the crib for good vibes or something like that, and then I was about to pass out. So I stopped. Now here comes the result. No baby, or contractions, but when I got out of bed the next day I was stuck in the squat position since my thighs were killing me. They still are today. I think that the squats and bouncing are to bring the baby into position, and since this child already is, and had been for three weeks, it was a little redundant. I can already feel the head in my crotch, so we won't be doing those again, ever. I mean don't you think it would get a little annoying to be doing a headstand for weeks on end? Not only that, imagine doing a headstand into like a piece of foam or something that encases your head and staying like that for even a day. I would be like, 'get me out of here!!!!" Not this kid.

Spicy Food. Did that one last night. Thanks to my awesome neighbors and friends, Phil and Sue. We had chicken fajitas better then they make in Baja. Not that I ever had fajitas from Baja, but I imagine they were better. I mean he cooked the seasoned chicken on the grill people, and they had every single topping imaginable. I had a very full belly, and loved every bite, but there was still nothing. It was definitely a craving met. And again, I say, this child is fed so well, no wonder he doesn't want to come out. Did I ever mention I love my neighbors?

I also have a pineapple ripening on the counter. I sent Andy to get it the other day after I read that they might work. I did not want it from a can, I wanted the real thing with all the acid, so I have to wait until it is good and ready. My entire mouth swells when I eat too much fresh pineapple, like more then 3 cubes, and my tongue gets all itchy. I refuse to admit that this is an allergic reaction because I love pineapple. So I get to the point where I sound like a blubbering fool when I talk, and then have a few more bites for good measure and scratch my tongue with my teeth all day long, its really attractive. There are other foods that are said to induce labor, none of which I enjoy, like Eggplant Parm or licorice. So I will just skip that, because the thought of eggplant parm, makes me want to barf.

Sex. I am not going to divulge into my sex life here. I have mentioned it before that sex when you are this big and pregnant is not only almost physically impossible, it just makes me want to laugh, which probably isn't very encouraging to your partner. I will just mention that this past Sunday when I was having contractions, someone said to me, 'you are having contractions because of me, right babe?' I just rubbed his back and said, 'if this baby comes out today honey, it was all you, congratulations.' I mean the man is being robbed in that area, so the least I can do is build up his ego.

Gardening. No really, I did this, and it resulted in that trip to the hospital. My Mom Mom, the kids, and I were getting the vegetable garden ready by turning over the soil. I picked up that hoe and went to town. What was the worst that could happen? My water would break or something. No, just contractions that started up dilation, which is something, but it did not finish its job. And although we will have really good tomatoes this summer, and I did get to go to the hospital, I was not more then 4 cm, so it was a waste of my time, now that I am typing about it still pregnant, a week later.

There are some other things you can try, that I read about, which I am not going to do at all. This kid could actually stay in for another month, and I would not. One of which is Nipple Stimulation. The entire thought of this is just weird to me. 'Oh don't mind me, I am just pinching my nips.' And they say to do it for 15 mins a side. What in the world? Who has that kind of time? And who would want to?

Castor Oil. Someone asked me if I was trying to poison myself, or something like that, when I mentioned Castor Oil, I won't name names here. It quickly hit me that he had no idea prior to me mentioning this that it was not motor oil, but in fact a natural laxative. I have mulled over this idea for a few minutes, and then remember that I panic in the face of loose stools. When I feel the rumble I am running for the Pepto, which of course backs me up for days, but I don't have to feel the cramping. I think it reminds me too much of birthing contractions, and I shudder. So I have thought to myself well they must go hand in hand, and then I think, if it doesn't work, I am screwed.

There are some herbs you can take, but I do not feel like spending time and money hunting these crazy hippy things down. I am a drug store/pharmacy girl, so really these home remedies have me a little skeptical, but I was willing to try them anyway. I know what will work, starts with a P, and it is Pitocin, and all you natural birthers can just go ahead and shake your head in shame, and I say back, Yeah Epidurals! Although this time might bite me. I have this feeling that unless I move my butt like it is on fire to the hospital when labor does start I will not get there in time for my shot of peace and tranquility, I mean it was invented for a reason. And I will then be arrested promptly after delivery for domestic violence because I beat up my husband, and property damage since I destructed the birthing suite.

There are many things out there that people say work for labor. I mean just google it and you have everything from eating tree bark, to doing somersaults. I will go ahead and eat my pineapple when it ripens, but my bets are now on an induction.

I would put some pics in here to highlight my attempts at inducing birth naturally, but you see my camera has been in the hospital bag in the van since last week, and I am just too lazy to go and get it out, and not only that, my legs are so sore from squats it would take me 30 minutes to get out there and back.

There have been some that have said to me, 'When the apple is ripe, it will fall from the tree.' I will just go ahead and refrain from the reply that my mind entices me to say aloud. You don't say things like this to a woman with the belly the size of a small island.

Hormones are Fun!

A month has gone by since I blogged. What is that all about? I have been nesting I suppose, and growing, to the point that I do not think there could be anymore space in my body. I think that they are going to have to apply skin grafts to stretch my skin more, because the elasticity is shot. I mean the shear agony of thinking about all the flabby skin I will have to stuff into my jeans for like 3 years at this point is terrifying.

I am not overdue. Thank you to those who continually remind me. It's really sweet of you. Like that will make the situation any better. 'Oh well you are as big as freakin' Shrek,(little shout out to the movie we are watching), o.k., Fiona, in pregnant ogre form, and feel like knives are being shoved up your vagina, and that your lower back might actually erupt and leave you paralyzed, but you aren't actually due until Sunday.' Thanks for that. Or,'you haven't even dropped,' that's another personal favorite. I will remind you that you don't drop past your first pregnancy. Your body has already experienced this drop, and so, it will not happen again, your body has already been wrecked. But I don't say that out loud. I just smile and nod.

In this past month, I had an ultrasound for size check because one of my doctors thought that the baby may be a little large, and that it is always good to be aware of this before going into labor so that if it becomes necessary, we know why the head is not going past the hips. Funny that this doctor was a woman. Go figure. Now this was over a week ago, this little ultrasound, and keep in mind that the size may be off by a pound plus or minus. This child was looking to be about 8.6 pounds, one week ago. So technically it could have been 7.6 or 9.6. Now let's also keep in mind that each day they are in there they put on some weight, about a pound a week. You do the math. The doctor that came in to meet with me after the ultrasound said, 'well at this point it is not a monster baby, a large baby, sure, but not monster sized yet.' Uh, yet? My sister last night said to me, 'wouldn't it be funny if the baby came out and it was only 6 pounds!?!?' No it would not be funny, it would be a miracle. A gift from Sweet Jesus who decided to grace me with a blessing, a small child, with a pin head like his father. Have you seen my children's heads? Not gonna happen.

This week I went to the hospital due to the fact that I was having contractions for over 24 hours, but they were pretty inconsistent. Mind you, again, it was the female doctor who decided to send me in, just to be certain everything was ok, that the fluid levels were still up where they were supposed to be. And yes indeed, I was having contractions, no I was not past 2 centimeters dilated, and my fluid levels were fine. The nurse told me I could walk around the hospital and she would check me in an hour, or I could go home and be comfortable, able to rest, and eat and drink. I felt like an ass for coming in and so decided to go home, only wimps go to the hospital thinking they are in labor, didn't you know? But I mean here is the thing, my justification for being a wimpy ass, I am never the perfect going into labor girl. I have never and will never be 5 minutes apart lasting for one minute. It just doesn't happen. The nurse at the hospital said, 'well your contractions seem to be inconsistent, 20 mins, then 6, then 13.' No kidding, why do you think I am here!?!?! Now hook me up to the pitocin and let's call it a birthday. But, no, I waddled out, in pain, tired, actually hearing women screaming in labor and thinking, 'I wish that were me.' That is sick people, by the way. There is something hormonally wrong with you when you wish that.

At my appointment in the office yesterday the doctor said to me, 'well Lisa, the nurse you saw said she thought you were 50/50 on coming back last night in full fledged labor.' I assured him that it was not going to happen, and asked if that was supposed to make me feel better. I know my body. I know that at this point, since they are waiting until I am overdue to flag me, that my uterus heard that and completely gave up on me. I am going to give it some pep talks, maybe eat some spicy food for dinner tonight, and maybe, maybe have sex. There will be no promises. This is a subject all on its own, but how can sex be enjoyable when there is something the size of Mt. Everest standing in between you? I guess it isn't about 'enjoying,' anymore, per se. It is a possibility of a means to an end, so maybe. My poor husband, but then again, I wasn't the only one who contributed to this current state. So my uterus is going to have to completely take matters into its own hands. It is going to have to bust down some doors, kick the crap out of my water bag, and be in shear madness for it to want this child out. Because I will tell you, he is not going anywhere on his own.

He pronounced me almost 3 cm, 80% effaced after an exam that left me thinking his hand was going to come out the other side by means of my mouth. He was probably thinking, 'woman, you want this kid out, I will stretch the heck out of that cervix, and have you hunched over on the way out.' Well it didn't work. He said to me, 'we can't induce you until you are overdue, so after next weeks appt., we will set you up for an inducement. There is really no medical reason to have you induced earlier, hang in there.' I promptly responded, 'you mean my vagina exploding all over the delivery room due to the size of this child, is not a medical reason?' I really don't think he had heard that comment before, or expected to hear that comment from me, but he was left speechless with the nurse laughing hysterically. Part of my hopes he is in the delivery room, and so when he is stitching my up for 6 hours I can say, 'I warned you.'

I am definitely in crazed pregnant woman mode.

We are going walking today to the library. And I am pulling the wagon. I don't care. Stay out of my way!