Thursday, July 8, 2010

Part Deux

And so it continues...

At this point one may become very relaxed. Third delivery, control of the tv remote, the newest edition of People Magazine to read, all that is missing is some food, and I was getting hungry. To all those preggos out there, my one piece of advice is to get yourself something to chow down on after you give birth. I don't mean like, call someone after you are all settled in recovery, and you are holding your sweet child that just tore up everything in the netherlands. I mean bring it with you, or have someone on call that once they have heard you have popped that sucker out they are in route with the goods. (and doing 95 mph, in route to the hospital) The hunger that overtakes your body is unreal. It's like some hungry beast has taken over your stomach and it will not calm itself until it has eaten a 12 inch hoagie, a bad of chips, some pickles, and a diet pepsi, because you know, you have to start the weight loss at some point.

Now once you are all in the birthing area and a few hours before, you are not allowed to eat. Now I lied and said I had nothing that morning, but really, I had a banana, they looked so good. And if I was going to have to have a c-section and vomit and then asperate on a banana, it was a good one at the very least. But that was oh, 9 hours ago, and I was in this in between stage where they were pumping the pitocin and all I was feeling was a little tension every few minutes, but nothing that would overtake the hunger. And in the corner of my eye I see the bag, and there they sit, my birthing team, chowing down on some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I will go ahead and say it 'WTF!?!?!' Uh, hello, kind of in labor here. Don't mind me or anything, you just go ahead and eat your snacks like you are watching TLC from your couch. We are live people, and I can't eat!?!?!' My sister looks at me, and just asks meekly, 'did you want me to go and get you more ice chips?' I mean they are good and all. They were the ice chips that get all crispy on the outside and you can chew them bc they are a little mushy like that, but they were not Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Some team.

I was watching the Boob Tube and reading my mags once I promised to give them all sucker punches once I was allowed up again, and kept seeing previews for the Oprah of that day. It was the one with Laura Bush being interviewed. And for some reason I am intrigued by President's wives and children, and I wanted to see it. And I pronounced that I wanted this baby out so that I could watch Oprah that day.

Then my doctor, the 8th dwarf, comes in for the first time. I am at 6 centimeters and have been at 6 centimeters for 2 hours. He tells the nurses to keep pumping the pitocin up and up. He comes in an hour later, nothing. 6 centimeters. He starts to get a little concerned, he isn't going to make me sit there for 5 days like this, and if nothing was happening, well there might be a c-section. My contractions are not consistent or long enough. And I ate that banana! He tells them to keep pumping it up. I can now start to feel more and more pressure and some pain. Uh oh. I hate it when an epidural doesn't work like its supposed to. I want to be paralyzed people until that baby is all wrapped up and nice and clean and the placenta is planted in our front yard. But the baby's heart rate looked good, and he was showing no adverse side effects to the high level of pitocin, and I had come this far. This kid was coming out the vag, no turning back. They kept asking me how I was feeling, and I was getting queasy, but in no way was I going to tell them that the pitocin was getting to me. If Baby Jacob was sucking it up, so would I.

And then it was 4 p.m. Oprah. Laura, hello. Barbara, Jenna, so nice. But it wasn't all that nice, because the pain was getting worse. The highest level of Pitocin is 30, and I was at 28. And then just as Oprah is about to say her goodbyes to the former first lady, it occurs to me that I feel like I have to poop. Like let all my insides out poop and that I need to massively push, NOW! The nurse comes in I tell her, she goes to get the 18 year old, and things start buzzing around the room. The ceiling opens bringing down the mega light. Now when the mega light comes down you know it is time to give birth. So when you see this light, if you don't know or cannot feel anything, I am here to tell you that you are going to give birth shortly.

Mind you, my husband, out at the bathroom. Yeah he is all on top of it like that. In his defense I was 6 centimeters when he left 10 minutes before that and all talking about the Bush's Texas Ranch, but in comes the resident and I am 9 centimeters, and I tell her, I am pushing. In walks speedy the 8th dwarf, and with the next push I am 10.

Here is my philosophy. They are going to turn your epidural down as you are giving birth so that you can sense when and how to push. So you better get as much as you can out of it while you can, and I push like a freakin' mule. They tell me to do two sets of 8 counts, I do three. That kid is moving. I grab onto the hand rails and show no mercy. My sisters are holding on to my legs and Andy buzzes into the room, saying, 'what we are pushing already?!?!' Was he not ready for me to push 3 weeks ago, now it is already?

He stands at my head and then goes to my feet, cheering me on like veteran he is. I then feel it. The burning! Everyone is cheering that they can see the head, and the burning. I feel like a forest fire is erupting, send in the helicopters with the giant vat of water to pour on me. I ask them if I am almost done. Mistake. 'No, sweetie keep pushing, the head is coming!' What? I am feeling all this and you are telling me that basically you can just see a tiny fragment of the baby's head when I push. I then start flipping out, and I am back to Ethan's birth. Nope, can't do it. Pack up my things, I am out of here, the baby is not coming out. Then my doctor tells me to push like I am mad at Nancy. Nancy is my nurse. And he wants me to push like I am mad at her? Why would I be mad at Nancy, the woman who has stood faithfully by my side all day? How about you for making me push!?!?! I am now screaming at everyone. It is when I look back on this that I think of the poor girl the next room over in labor for the first time, and she hears me yelling that I can't do it and it hurts so bad I want to die. Some mentor I am.

Then he tells me to stop pushing. This is the point where I want to push and finish off my imminient demise. A little turn of the head I am guessing, he tells me to push one more time, and there is Jacob, coming out, being lifted under the grand light, and being placed on top of me. Andy is handed the scissors to set him free, and there is my little man. And all of it just goes away. Everyone in the room, all the pain and there is my Jacob.

After a bit, they take him to his little baby area to clean him up and do his little testing. He is 8 pounds 15 ounces, and is 22.5 inches long, and he was born at 5:34 p.m. A good little steward, he let Mommy enjoy her Oprah before torturing her.

My sisters and my Andy were great coaches, they got to witness the birth of my little man, and pulled me through, and promptly gave me my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a diet pepsi, remember, post baby diet starts when you deliver the placenta...right...until...

My parents were called and the order for a Dairy Queen Blizzard put in. Which by the way was gigantic! My dad told the girl to give her the size she would want if she had just pushed out a 9 pound baby. Yeah, I ate every last bite.

And then in came the big sister and brother. Instant pros and instant sibling rivalry and love. 'I want to hold him,' 'No, I want to show him his toy!' 'I want to sit with Mommy,' 'No, I get watch Mommy feed him.' 'He is so cute!' 'Can we take him home now?'

My sister the next day texted me with, 'my arms are killing me,' from me pushing against them. I quickly text back, 'my vagina is killing me,' then prompt response, 'ok you win.'

Kendall and Ethan have over exceeded expectations and they have gone on with a few bumps, but no potholes, and are in love with their brother, and Mommy's big helpers.

I would like to comment on the disinterest upon the face of the child above. Like she is doing some terrible chore! And then comment further on the length of that baby, see his leg way over there? This kid is going to be huge. He will be taller than me in Kindergarten.

We are a family of five now, well plus our furry mascots, and although we are busy, we are content.

To those about to go through it, don't worry you forget the feeling of the pain...I forget it the instant I see the baby, and it is without a doubt, my most personal and best experiences of my life.

The Chubbiest Cheeks in America and that visual proof of the Lyons chin going on and on...poor family tree...oh yeah, and in the background is a little piece of my awesome Vera Bradley Diaper Bag, compliments of my really awesome P-Court Posse. Yes, I did just refer to them and use the word, Posse. And the really sweet blanket that my aunt made that I am pusing on Jacob to be his blankie. It is reversible, one side Phillies, one side Eagles, you know whatever fits your fancy.

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