Sunday, May 3, 2009

Channeling my inner June Cleaver

Seriously. Some people with children may think I have a problem. I like to straighten up. I like a tidy house, I cannot function without it. Seriously. Ask Andy after I work one of my weekends. If I come home and the house is a mess, he gets an attitude for that next entire day. If my house is messy I get cranky. But let me clear one thing up: I let it get messy. I am not one of those Mom's who freaks out about play-doh and finger paint, or follows my children around instructing them to pick up after themselves. But I will tell you one thing. If we are going outside to play after nap time, you better believe toys are cleaned up, dishes are done, and floors are vacuumed. If I come over to your house and my kids have been in your kids things, I will clean it up, and if I am comfortable enough with you, I will begin to reorganize as I clean. I sort, set up, take down...I think it might be becoming obsessive compulsive in nature. But on a positive note, it could be hand washing I could be obsessed with, and that would not benefit you at all.

My house is by no means immaculate. I have stains on my carpets, smudged walls, some chipped paint, toy overload, and a box of shoes by the door that is slowly becoming a mountain. My closets...don't even get me started, but out of sight, out of mind. Laundry. Another thing I hate doing. It is so terrible, this goes and in hand with the closet issue. I want a laundry room desperately. Next House. Like in 10 years or something, unless Barack has some magic wand.

I have a neighbor who's house is immaculate. She doesn't have children yet, and let me tell you when I go in that house, I am in a dream of cleanliness...and then my children come in and I freak out like they are in a china store. I figure if I can herd them into the basement, the damage will be minimal. It never is. Kendall has pooped in her pants 2 times now in one week in that house, both times coming close to a septic disaster in that house, and Ethan demanding to be a big boy, with no lid on his cup, spilled the sip of juice I allowed in his cup on her Pampered Chef seat cushions. I don't know what I was thinking. I am just going to go and buy her some air freshener and oxy clean, and send it over with a sympathy card. Sorry Sue. She will say I am crazy, but next time I go to her house, I will take pictures, and you will know exactly what I mean.

I don't readily admit things I am good at, I am usually the epitome humble with a small side of low self-esteem. But I am a good cook. I like to eat my food and so do other people. Perhaps that is also why I look at my jeans pre-child and get the urge to pray over them. When people ask me what I put in something, or how I make it, really I have no idea. I try sometimes to follow recipes, but I always end up improvising or improving, and never write it down. So I can give you an idea of how to make something, but not like I made it, and not because it is a secret, like Bush's Baked Beans, but because I really don't remember. However, I lack the supplies to become the Betty Crocker I truly have potential to be.

So as you can imagine in my own search for absolute cleanliness and extreme domestic abilities, I have become, gasp, a housewife.

And housewives have dreams. Dreams that will make them become the best in their craft. A Wish List per se, and you better believe I have one.

Here is a rundown, as a Housewife, again, gasp, of the things that I would like to readily accumulate.

You knew I would say it, I rant and rave about it all the time. I should have registered for it for my wedding shower, but I didn't think I would ever become a stand mixer connoisseur. It is the Kitchen Aid Mixer. The holy grail of all kitchen appliances. I love this new shade, so retro, but my kitchen would never be able to pull it off, I would have to go with Onyx Black. This mixer would sit on my counter with pride. It is like a right of passage to own a Kitchen Aid Mixer, and let me tell you, there is one particular person I know that has a Kitchen Aid Mixer and stores it in the storage section of her basement in the very very back. When I saw this sight I gasped at the horror. I marched right up her steps and gave her heck. How could she simply cast aside this honor of having the grand daddy of mixers? Her answer is simple, to her, she doesn't like it sitting on her counter and likes to use her hand mixer, it's easier. If you love or would love your Kitchen Aid Mixer, you have found a million things wrong with that simple explanation. I will leave her nameless, as this is by no way an intervention, just a simple reminder, covet your Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer.

Now moving on from the best mixer in the world to the best vacuum in the world. The Dyson. This is a cleaner's dream. Have you used one? I vacuum with one with the sole intent of marveling at what the dirt canister will have in it when I am through. I vacuum a lot. I definitely vacuum once a day, if not more. I have toddlers which equals crumbs. I do not have a Dyson. But when my vacuum is on the fritz and is sent to get fixed by Pop Pop, I get to borrow my Mom's. I have gone through a ton of vacuum's in my marriage. Andy says it is because I do not take care of them. No, I will tell you why they break. 1. They are not Dyson's. 2. I vacuum daily, that is a lot of miles on that engine. They blow up. Now have you seen the commercial for the new Dyson with the ball in the center? I just about drool. This new vacuum of fabulousness can curve around thing and get so close to edges, it is a mechanical wonder.

Moving on from the simple vacuum to the carpet cleaner. Could you just imagine being able to clean your carpets just whenever you wanted to without the hassle of renting a machine or calling someone? This to me would be a grand way to spend a Saturday morning. Carpet Cleaners are awesome. New Carpet is awesomer, that is not a word, but again,you can't get a new carpet every time your floor is dirty, and besides, seeing dirt extracted is just wonderful.

Now onto the Laundry Room. Have you seen Kelly Ripa in her new commercials, acting like she does the wash or something? Regardless, it is for Electrolux. These machines say that they can get an entire load done in 18 minutes. What in the world is that all about? I want to find out. And they come in pretty rad colors, so who wouldn't want that. I am pretty miserable when it comes to having to do the laundry and perhaps walking in and seeing a brightly colored washer and dryer, might make the task more enjoyable, or maybe not. Above is just the washer, the Dryer looks the same.

Then there is the task of ironing. I need a good iron, besides the Kitchen Aid Mixer, many items on this list are simply just fantasy, and will never happen, but this Rowenta iron needs to. I have a terrible iron. I have always wanted this iron, but could never justify the cost. But for more peaceful mornings, and a well dressed man, it is worth putting it at the top of the list.

Storage is an issue. With two children of different sexes, with one mother of varying sizes depending if i am pregnant or not, just had a baby or not, or just plain lazy or not, we have a lot of clothing. The storage is limited in this space, and I have been fascinate with this infomercial product when I see it. Think of all the space I can save with this vacuum powered sealer. Unimaginable.

To top it all off, who would not like a new Yankee Candle ready and waiting, season appropriate whenever they wanted. My other neighbor has this luxury, but she also has a serious addiction to Yankee Candles. You walk up to her door, and it has not even opened yet, and there are no windows even open and you can smell a Yankee Candle, it is coming out of the house's pores, she most likely has a few scents going at one time. One would be ok with me. I just love Yankee Candles, and I love this new scent...hint hint, Mother's Day, Sunday. Did you know that Yankee Candle sends out catalogs that have Scratch and Sniff Scents, like those stickers when you were little but now grown up? It's worth the mail. Some scents get stuck in your nostrils, mine is mostly poopy diapers, so when the catalogs come, I sniff away. It's like an air freshener for the nose.

Lastly, an apron from Anthropologie. You can't achieve true housewife royalty without one of these to clean and cook in, and this is so darn cute.

I realize some of these items are a tad strange, and trust me, I am doing just fine without them, and do not pain away my cleaning or cooking thinking, 'oh I wish I had this or that.' I am just saying that a girl can dream. And what is so harmless about that?

Here is one that is hopefully attainable in the near future.

Oh how I miss you. Life is so much easier with you. Come home soon.

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