The Invasion of Sir Stanley...by Lillian, the cat.

Look at me, I am beautiful, who could need more then me?

My life with my family began fabulously. I was spoiled cat, eating expensive food, excreting in lovely scented litter box that was cleaned daily, if not more. My holidays were spent eating top of the line canned cat food, and a stocking stuffed with cat treats and cat toys. I was groomed regularly and showered with love. When they went on vacations people stayed with me in our home, not just stopped by to feed me. This was a cat's dream, and I knew it. I loved my owners, oh how wonderful my life was. They didn't even tease me about my weight problem.

First rugrat came around. I was curious about this creature, but was still so very adored. My female owner even fretted about how I would adjust to Kendall. Obsurd, I know. During late nights with Kendall I would come and sit at her feet as she cried in complete exhaustion. My intentions of course to show her, that see, you had to go and birth a child, look how simple I am.

Then came the next rugrat, and in my opinion a little bit too fast for my liking. Things started to get a little hairy around here. I was shooed off of beds and my owners would actually say late in the day, 'oh sorry Lil' we forgot to feed you today!!' Forgot to feed me. As those children sucked in milk to their belly's delight, it was abuse, I get fed first thing, before anyone even has a chance to pee, you feed me. I could not believe what was happening. One night I was found in the baby's crib and the owner came in yelling and screaming, and tossed me out. How dare she? Here I was trying to help out. So I am a little large, I would never smother the thing.

Then these human offspring began to move around, got in my food, and started fussing with my tail, and pulling my hair. I would swat at at them, and then I would get yelled at and my nose swatted. What in the world is that all about?!?! I don't even have front claws, now you take away my dignity too?

Things started to settle as these little humans grew. The boy chases me quite often around the house growling and screaming, like he is some beast, and now he is the one getting scolded. I started to get some ground back. Sure now when they go away, I either get two bowls of food or they send the old lady over to feed me every few days. All she wants to do is pet me and squeeze me onto her lap. Not into it, lady. So I attack her as soon as she cracks the door open. Sure she yells, and my owner tells me I am going to cause her a heart attack. But would you want to be squeezed and petted, and told, 'oh you're such a nice kitty, now you sit here on my lap, you be a lap cat' over and over again!?!? And the litter box, ok don't even get me started. I have a mountain in there and it stinks to the high heavens before they are like, 'oh Lily, that just stinks.' Yeah, well have no plausible thumbs, what do you want me to do about it, fools. The door to the basement gets shut after playtime, and if I am dozing and don't notice it happening, I get shut down there too. The only way they know I am down there is when I hear them I stick my paw under the crack in the bottom of the door and move it back and forth, and then bang on the door for a few minutes. They feel bad when they open it, real bad, I sulk for like 3 hours, nothing like a good guilt trip, they deserve it.

I still get my time with my owners, they still pet me, say hello to me, and let me drink water out of the fish bowl, I mean, I have a pretty good life. I see those strays on the street, going in my trash can. I shudder at the thought of being out in the rain. It must be terrifying.

And now, now, they have gone over the top. I heard them coming home yesterday, almost got off the couch to greet them, but was just too comfy, and then the door opens and in with them comes this ugly creature. I have heard them say, 'oh he is so ugly he is cute...he is so well behaved...look how much the children love him...' Yeah, shove it.They call him Stanley. What kind of name is that? Stanley. If I have anything to do about it he is going to be Flat Stanley. This thing snorts all the time, and is all in my face wanting to be my friend. He's lucky I don't have those claws, those bug eyes of his would be lying on the floor. He actually had the audacity to sleep with me and my owners last night. What was that all about? And they didn't even care! They say to to the children he is just here for a little vacation. I know what the real plan is, I know that if he works out, he is going to come back for good. His owners are planning to move away across the country, and he is going to go and move in here.

It's going to be a long weekend, but somebody has to do it. I am going to make the dog bark its head off and crap on the floor, then it will be shipped back, with no return address. I haven't been so successful so far, they brought him home some treats. But mark my words. It's on.